How Old Papers & DNA Changed Everything for One Memoir Writer

🎙️ New episode: Carmen Rita Wong on "Why Didn't You Tell Me?"

Apr 03, 2025

Hey Bleeders!

What makes a memoir truly irresistible—the kind you can’t put down, one that keeps you up at night texting the author at 2 a.m. because you had to finish it? That’s exactly what Carmen Rita Wong set out to create with her self-proclaimed magnum opus, Why Didn’t You Tell Me? And trust me, she delivered.

In the latest episode of The Bleeders, Carmen takes us inside the painstaking process of structuring her memoir, finding the right agent (on the third try!), and shaping a messy personal mystery into a page-turner. Here are some key takeaways for anyone looking to write and publish their own memoir:

🧩 Unlocking structure is like finding a missing puzzle piece

When stuck in a writing rut, sometimes inspiration comes from unexpected places. In Carmen’s case? A desperate prayer to her late brother who had passed away several months before:

“I was sitting there in frustration, making myself like my fifth cup of coffee of the day… And he was my closest family member, my best friend. I spoke to him every single day and [he] got me and we understood each other so much. And I just said, ‘You need to do some work. You better help me figure this out. How am I going to write this so that people actually wanna pick it up?’ And then I just heard in my head: ‘Why didn’t you tell me? Make it a question.’”

That became the book’s title and its guiding structure—each chapter answering that core question.

🔎 Make the little moments big

A compelling memoir isn’t just about the major events—it’s about how small, everyday experiences shape us:

“These little things that happen to you when you’re a kid shape you hugely. So it seems like the little things… but these are the things that communicate to you where you exist in that world, in this world, and in this country. So it really was about putting you in those scenes and making you feel what I was feeling.”

From childhood microaggressions to cultural assimilation, every scene amped up the tension on those little moments, so the reader could feel the stakes.

📖 When it comes to memoir, emotional truth > journalistic facts

When asked about verifying memories with family members, Carmen had this to say:

“There’s no fact-checking your memories. You can fact-check maybe where you were location-wise, what time of day it was, or what day it was or what year it was. But you cannot fact-check your memory—because even your siblings… know different parents than you, even though you were raised with the same parents… I love the memoirs that are not, ‘and then I went here on this date, and then went here on this date.’ It's not about the fact-checking, it's about the story of your life, the story of who you are.”

🕵️‍♀️ Digging through the archives

“Writers, go get those old papers!” Carmen advises. And she means it. While writing her book, she unearthed a treasure trove of documents—arrest records, immigration papers, even shocking details about a relative’s death. Some of these finds reshaped her narrative in real time.

⚡ When the universe takes the wheel

Carmen submitted the first draft of her book just before her birthday, thinking, Okay, now I can relax. Two weeks later, she randomly refreshed her DNA site—something she’d done daily for years. And there, staring back at her, was her niece. Carmen messaged through the site, “I think your mom’s my sister.”

Her editor got an urgent call: “We need an epilogue.” Because some stories don’t end when you type: The End.

✍️ The writing process

If you love hearing how other writers actually get words on the page, Carmen breaks down her process:

Blocking out time: She mapped out her calendar, set deadlines two weeks early, and aimed for 10 pages a week.
Fighting perfectionism: “Some days, I’d sit there thinking, ‘I must be Michelangelo or nothing at all.’ Then I’d tell myself, ‘Girl, just write the damn words.’”
Holding herself accountable: She hired a first reader (a trusted friend and former magazine editor) to give her feedback chapter by chapter before turning it in.

🎯 Find an agent who gets it

Writing a book is hard. Selling a book? Even harder—especially when you keep hearing it’s not going to work. Carmen finally realized:

“I need to find an agent who understands what I’m trying to do, understands my story, and will let me tell it the way I know it’s best to tell it.”

(Spoiler: When she found the right agent, the book sold in two weeks.)

For anyone deep in the trenches of memoir writing (me!), this episode is a must-listen.

🎧 Listen to the full episode now.

Happy bleeding,
Courtney

I’m teaching some upcoming workshops you might be interested in:

So… ROLL CALL! 🗣️

What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever uncovered during the writing process? Comment below and let me know!

The Bleeders